by Roz Burak

Last week, at the luncheon after my sister-in-law’s funeral, my niece and I had a very interesting conversation.  My niece is only 10 years younger than I and therefore qualifies for the “older” generation.

Although we hadn’t seen each other in a while, one of the first questions she asked was “Why didn’t they tell us?”  Why didn’t our mothers or fathers, aunts, uncles, or anyone who was “older” tell us what it’s really like getting older?????  We talked about it and she promised she was going to tell her daughter all about what it’s like being older.  I said I’d do a post for my blog.

A few days later I was thinking about that conversation and wondered, why didn’t they tell us.  I observed my mother and father aging.  I saw them slowing down, not being as eager to do things.  I remember my father deciding it was no longer safe for him to drive my mother around and so gave up driving.  I even remember mom asking me to come to Philly (I live in NYC) to help her cook for the holidays.  She didn’t think she could do it all herself anymore.  And, this was a woman who hated having anyone else cook in her kitchen. But they never told me what it was like for them to make these decisions.  And I never even thought to ask.

Now that I’m in the “Older” category, I want to share some of what it’s like getting older from an insider’s point of view.  First of all, it’s not all bad and it’s not all good.  It has it’s ups and downs. As they say, “It’s better than the alternative.”

One of the things I love is that I feel free to say things I never would think of saying out loud. I like telling strangers on the street they look good. I love being offered seats on buses and subways.  I don’t always take them and I love they’re being offered.  I really appreciate my neighbors; I can count on them to help me out when I’m not feeling great.  And, I appreciate that I’m not embarrassed to ask for help.  I love knowing this is my life.  I’m not trying to get anywhere —- I’m here.  I like saying I’ve done enough today.  I’ll finish it tomorrow.  Or, I don’t want to.  I don’t feel like I have to explain myself.

On the other hand, there are things that concern me.  Getting up in the morning and not knowing what day it is.  It’s disconcerting.  And, it’s a fact of life.  Most mornings it takes a few minutes to figure out what day it is and what I have to do.  Countless times during the day I get up to do something and within minutes don’t remember what I wanted to do.  My body takes me in the right direction and when I get there I have no idea why I’m there.  Actually, I’ve recently created a practice when that happens.  I stand still and stop thinking.  Usually within less than a minute I remember what I wanted to do or get.  And it’s still annoying that it keeps happening.  Being older takes work.

I think I’m most upset that they didn’t tell me about the disempowering thoughts.  It’s not just that I don’t remember what day it is. It’s that I start thinking I must have dementia, or is this the start of Alzheimer’s.   (An aside – Why did “they” use a word that is so hard to spell and say?) A headache is a stroke and palpitations are definitely a heart attack.  I’m beginning to realize these thoughts are just another part of getting older.  They’re not the truth, there just where our thinking goes.   I’ve checked with enough people to know those of us of a certain age are having the same thoughts.  Some version of these doom and gloom thoughts seems to be universal.  I wonder if my mother never told me about them because she thought they were real.  They worried her and she didn’t want to worry me.

As I write this I see the importance of our sharing with each other.  Sometimes being 79 is scary.  It’s less scary when I know others are having similar thoughts.  It becomes another accomplishment of aging.  We’re finally old enough to be concerned about dying.

What about you?  What have you noticed about aging?  Share.  Let’s take away the concern about getting older.  We can replace it with new knowledge about who we become as we age.  I’d love to hear from you.

Bette Davis said “Getting older ain’t for sissies.”  And, WE AIN’T SISSIES.

July 29, 2024